Goodbye Dad, You’re an Inspiration

On 31st January 2021, my dad passed away at the age of 82. He was diagnosed with stage four cancer a few months before and had been undergoing chemotherapy. He passed away at the family home in Lawford with my mum and brother supporting him. I had last spoken to him a few days before on a video call. The last time I had seen him in person was in September 2018 on the day we left the UK to emigrate to Australia.

I am a big believer in the value of reading and learning and I arrive at this difficult moment, mentally and emotionally in the strongest place I have been in my 42 years of life. I first read Stephen Covey’s seven habits book in 2011 and it was the first book that really got me thinking about how I want to live my life and what values and principles were important to me. One exercise in the book was to think about a person in my life who inspires me and embodies the type of person I want to be like. My dad was the first person that came into my head. My dad had a challenging childhood without much parental support. I am sure he could have let these experiences negatively affect his life but the opposite is true. He ended his life as a community legend and made a difference to so many people in his roles as a husband, father, friend, primary school teacher and in the various clubs and organisations he was involved in.

The book that really got me thinking about the challenges of death is called ‘The Fear Cure’ by Lissa Rankin. In the book she identifies ‘four fearful assumptions’ and their corresponding ‘four courage cultivating truths’. One assumption is ‘I can’t handle losing what I cherish’ and it’s corresponding truth that is ‘loss is natural and can lead to growth’. As I first read this section of the book in 2015, it got me thinking back to how I had seen my dad handle the death of close people in his life. Losing his mum was the most vivid memory that most sprung to mind, particularly going to the mortuary with him to go through the formal identification process. I had never been in close proximity to an open casket before and it was a highly charged few moments. My dad was clearly highly emotional but I remember him still being a strong person through the following months and dealing stoically and positivity with the grieving process.

Life is relatively short and my dad lived a full life right up until cancer started to take its toll. Into his 80s he was still walking most days and involved in several community groups and activities. Scouts and sport were the big drivers in his younger days and family, acting and faith become the key drivers as he got older. Scouting was the main source of where my dad found his moral compass and values that served him so well throughout his adult life. As a scout he was awarded what I believe is the highest honour of Queens Scout and he went on to be a scout leader for around 20 years. Dad found his calling as a primary school teacher. This was brought home even more after his cancer diagnosis, when a group of his ex-pupils put together an amazing video thanking him for the impact he had on their lives. A key part of dads career was going over and beyond in providing sporting opportunities to primary school children throughout the local area. Football was his main passion and we use to joke that he was the Alex Ferguson of primary school football!

Dad was very much a family man. He had an amazing relationship with my mum that gave them 45 years of marriage. He was always there for my brother and I and helped us explore activities we were interested in. He loved being a grandad and my daughter loves singing his favourite scout songs as part of her bedtime routine. He was a great role model for physical health and was a keen long distance runner, completing seven marathons in his time. I always remember wearing the silver foil blanket he got after completing the London Marathon. At around the age of 50 though he had to stop running due to a blood clot in his leg and had to have a bypass operation. It was amazing to watch how he took this challenge on and became a vegetarian and replaced running with walking. Some of my best memories of dad are watching him perform in the local amateur dramatics plays. He really lit up the stage and had great comedic timing. His performance as Burt in Adrian Mole was my favourite. He also got me involved in a play which ran for 5 nights and he was helping all the way through as part of the backstage team. I really treasure this experience as dad was so passionate about acting and loved spending time at the Manifest Theatre.

My dad was quite a character and these were five things that brought the biggest smile to my face when I go through my memories of being with him:

    1. Hearing his story of how he manage to ground a whole fleet of planes after wrongly fitting a key piece of equipment in his job as an engineer for the RAF!

    2. Hearing the story of how he ran out of petrol on not just the first date but also the second date with his future to be wife!

    3. Performing a monologue in a bird outfit an hour after first meeting my future to be wife at our family home!

    4. His pronouncing of shiitake when asking what these mushrooms were!

    5. The big news at Christmas was what dad was going to have as his vegetarian alternative to turkey. Nut roast was often the go to. One Christmas mum and dad came to ours and I took on the challenge of making the nut roast. I thought I had followed the recipe to the letter but I had forgotten to put in the key ingredient of eggs! Somehow it turned out OK and he said one of best nut roasts he had ever eaten!

I feel so lucky to have had such an inspirational dad and I am going to miss him hugely. I am so grateful for the amazing times I spent with him. Rest In Peace dad. Love. Duncan.